For all i care set it all a blaze.

i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry its over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to say..

2008-07-02T15:45:52Z

i need some red flow soon or i might just cry and wonder how i let my life get this way. i don't want any babies.

constantreplay @ 2007-10-20T08:54:00

2007-10-20T15:55:38Z

i have finally found out that i have only a few friends. i wish i had more friends that i actually hung out with. here is me, and i am nothing.

Ject.

2007-09-16T03:41:55Z

there is no other way to put this, but i am sad. i am truly just, sad. everyone is making friends at school, or they have their roommates, and i have no-one. i work, not to mention and the worst place on earth. i go to school, i come home, i sleep.

the relationship aspect of my life is falling apart. the only thing looking good for me is that i'm doing really well in school, at least right now.

i think too much. i want to drive to lake mirror in a hyundia elantra..i don't even know if i spelt that right. i want to throw sprees out the window again. i want to scream atreyu. those were the days i felt alive.

i'm going to re-do my room.

tired.

2007-08-05T23:40:59Z

i am tired. i don't mean like i want to fall asleep..i'm just tired of working, tired of worrying about money, tired of worrying about school.

valencia is making it completely impossible for me to get everything straight. i finally got my residency changed after two damn weeks of trying. now i got an e-mail from one of the answer center people and he said "you attended a different highschool from 9-11 grade..was that school is florida?" OF COURSE IT WAS IN FLORIDA I WENT TO LAKE GIBSON HIGHSCHOOL ALLL FOUR YEARS OF MY HIGHSCHOOL CAREER..WHERE ARE YOU GETTING I WENT TO ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!!" god...its making me so stressed out.

my brother is moving back in..my dad is pissed so of course he calls and tells me he can't pay for my car insurance anymore..when i know he can afford it. my mom can't afford it and with the lousy paychecks i get from working at the most horrible place on earth i can't pay my car payment and my insurance both..but it seems like i'll have to try. i want to look for a new job..possibly as a pharmacy tech somewhere.

everything between blake and i is fine...i just get upset over his temper and things he'd rather do.

i don't know what i want anymore.

constantreplay @ 2007-07-16T18:59:00

2007-07-16T22:59:50Z

i hate that my boyfriend smokes weed.

fire away.

2007-06-18T20:54:03Z

lately all i do is work, but that is how it always is. i'm so tired of target. all the managers care about is themselves and their money. GET REDCARDS SO THAT WE GET A BONUS..and you get nothing. work your ass off and still get paid under 7.50 even thought you've been with the company over a year and you got a promotion. i'm through. tomorrow i am applying at staples..i'll see where that takes me. for now i'm stuck at target.

today i accomplished a lot on the college side of life. thursday i'm going to valencia with alison to turn in my residency form and give them my act scores..that's all i'm lacking. july 14th i have orientation. i'll commute my first semester, and then probably move over to orlando the second.

lately i have been feeling ugly. i'm not saying that for get anyone's pity either. i've been working out a lot. i can't tan until this friday because one..my tattoos...two...i don't get paid until friday. my hair is looking like crap lately. i got it trimmed because my ends were gross. she didn't texture because she said if i want to grow it out i need to rotate texturizing it..so it looks like fresh cut hair..which never looks good. i need to dye it brown so i can get rid of this red..so i can start going back blonde.

so many things....and it feels like i have so little time.

p.s. i love the silver surfer.

and like a brand new trend.

2007-05-17T03:00:34Z

well. my life lately has been work, work, work.

sunday i went to jacksonville with blake and scott to see maylene and the sons of disaster, underoath, and norma jean. it was completely amazing. blake asked me to be his girlfriend. it was cute.

tuesday i got my review. i recieved a 38 cent raise so now i make $7.13, about 30 minutes later i had an interview with Joy for brand specialist. Claudice told me today that i got it and that i'll probably be told by Shavon or someone tomorrow. i'll be working full time and getting paid like a dollar more..so that's pretty sweet. no more fitting room for me. :(

i'm so glad i'm through with highschool. graduation with be wonderful. i think i've grown up a lot these last few months.

is anyone interested in going to the beach on monday?

i'm pretty content with where my life is lately..except i would like to hang out with some friends.

receding gum lines.

2007-04-29T23:34:04Z

well, this weekend has been a success, i guess.

i'm thinking about just letting my hair grow out to my natural color. it'll take fucking forever but i really don't give a crapola anymore. i miss it. and it just seems easier than dying it a thousand times. right now it's lighter red than before..it's faded a lot. i've stopped using color-treated shampoo.

saturday night i got my tongue pierced. i read some stuff online about it and it says it can cause receding gum lines which in turn can cause your teeth to fall out. i'm waiting until it heals and until i can change the barbell to see if i'm going to keep it or not. maybe just idiot deusch bags that don't take care of it are the ones that get receding gum lines. i also got a tranversal surface piercing below my belly button. i don't even know if that's what it is called, but its pretty sweet anyway.

blake has been so nice to me lately. i think he's starting to realize that i'm truely sorry. it feels so nice to see text messages from him telling me to call the dorm room phone now!! he dropped his almost brand new razr in the toilet..he has bad luck with phones.

today at work was quite cute, i guess. i talked with a lisp, i talked to erin boe, and i left the fitting room looking like a disaster. i'm so tired of working my butt off and making it look wonderful just for people to leave me 4 carts of abandons to put away in the morning because they can't do it themselves the night before.

i have a crap load to do for de meza. i cannot wait to graduate. and when i get paid again i'm going to buy a cute new purse from pacsun.

happy birthday maria and sam sam and jennifer(from work)

carrie, i think you are pretty.

the birth of venus.

2007-04-09T04:10:19Z

my room and car are a total disaster. i hate being messy, but lately i have no motivation to keep things clean. i feel so lethargic when it comes to tidyness and school work. the only thing i care about is trying to fix things. i only care about transforming myself into the person i once was, and still feel like i am.

yesterday i met blake in lake mary. i felt like we were in another country, away from everyone, and everything. i cry because i know this is my fault.

i want a painting of the birth of venus to hang in my room:

so much love.

2007-04-02T01:27:25Z

today my mom bought me two new fish from petco. they are german cichlids. one is yellow, and i named him obi-wan kenobi. the other is yellow/striped black and has like an electric blue glow and i named him jar jar binks.

dennis, christina, and i had a moment of silence for chewbacca today as i was leaving work. when he died he took a piece of my heart.

my hair is now a different color, thanks to carrie. :)

i realized today that love is rare. i love someone.

just a passing afternoon.

2007-04-01T04:01:16Z

my fish, chewbacca, died today. my mom cleaned the tank after not doing it in awhile, and he died shortly after. she sat be down and told me. this may would've been one year of me having him.

i'm tired of being yelled at. i'm tired of crying.

listen to the sound of hearts breaking...

search classes.

2007-03-30T18:23:22Z

i just put in four gauge pinchers. i used baby lotion. that was probably a mistake. these hurt the worst though putting in. i think fours are a great deal bigger than sixes. i went from tens to sixes and now fours without any problems.

the past two nights have been the worst i've had in awhile. ignored phone calls. hurtful messages from certain persons not worth my time. alcohol smelt on his breath.

i wanted to go down to the beach today but it's cloudy/rainy outside. i have to drive back. it only takes me and hour and a half to get to daytona from lakeland.

i have a 0 in government.

2007-03-23T17:13:16Z

i received my first ticket today, from a motorcycle cop. no warning. i was late to school. it's 181.50

i hate this town.

my report card ruled. all a's one b, 19th in a class of 354654564564 people.

it's the same old drag, oh you know you don't need none of that.

2007-03-23T03:20:23Z

blake left for daytona today. since he's been here these past 4/5 days, i've been happier. i'm sick and tired, literally, of people telling me what i should do. especially people like my mom, or my aunt. i wish i could do what i wanted, and i wish they would support me with whatever i choose to do.

i finally finished a history report on the democratic party i've been putting off forever. i feel confident with my grades as of lately. i've been tired. i work too much.

during spring break my schedule goes as follows:
work sunday
off monday
work tuesday
work wednesday
work thursday
off friday
work saturday

sunday i get off at 1:30, and i'm going to a little place i like to call my paradise. blake's dorm will show me comfort for two nights. then i'll drive back tuesday morning to be to work by 3:30. my hair is too short. it's okay, it'll grow.

i give up.

i should've bought modest mouse instead of sullivan.

2007-03-20T01:07:35Z

decisions are starting to slowly, but surely be made. today made me hurt, a lot. i was alone for the majority of it, and i know who my real friends are, to say the least.

i'm really starting to lean towards USF. going to orlando is starting to scare me. it's far away from my family. i don't want to quit target. i'm getting great hours, and i'm starting to feel appreciated..just a little. i work hard, and hopefully when may comes it will all pay off with a good raise. if this pharmacy tech thing comes through i'd take it in a heartbeat!

i hate how most of my friends either hate/dislike other people who are my friends. it's really hard. i'm always worried that someone will get mad because i'm hanging out with someone else. i love all of my friends..at least the few i have.

blake's been coming over. i'm not sure how i feel. it will all play through though. i love him still, maybe it's good for me and maybe it's not. i'll find out on my own though. i don't need anyones opinion anymore..except the wise ones.

i'm getting a haircut on wednesday. i'm thinking about going back blonde. i need opinions on this one guys. or whenever i get it re-dyed i was thinking red still..but with a streak of black in my bangs or something. i need something new.

changes.

2007-03-15T20:15:17Z

i've realized today how so much has changed. i think keeping old journals i've had is something i'll never regret. although it does hurt, it also reminds me of the good times i've had in my life. a.k.a.- hanging out with scott and maria ALOT, and basically living with alison and watching movies all of the time.

those times, well, they'll never come back. people don't lie when they say highschool years are the best of your life. my favorite was my sophomore year. that's when i was still me. i don't even know who i am anymore. tait and i were great friends. he wasn't different. maria and i had a bond no one could break. alison was still herself too. i went to shows, and felt so alive.

now i spend my time sulking. nothing good happens. MOST of the time no one ever wants to hang out. i've screwed up a lot. my hair is red. i miss my blonde hair. i miss my gauged ears. i miss a lot.

i'm still in love. i still want to make things happen.

i wrote this on october 13th, 2004-

dear self-

congratulations! you've once again succeeded in screwing yourself over.that's right-you've given your hopes up for the millionth time in your life! don't you feel great?

it still rings true today. how ironic is that?

for christ sake take care of yourself.

2007-03-12T04:51:00Z

i can't take care of myself. i wish i was strong. i've never been strong enough..or maybe i've just never been alone. i've been fooled so many times. my heart is broken. i think it's been that way for a long time now..i just haven't realized it. nothing good ever happens to me. i need to accept it. things can go so well and within a moments passing...it can turn to nothing but rubble..just a stump in the road, something forgotten, easily.

i want so many things. i need someone to save me from myself.

you teach people how to treat you.

2007-03-01T03:35:19Z

i miss my old friends shane, lane, and josh.

target really really sucks.

Is it over now?

2007-02-25T23:40:17Z

life is a lot different now. i'm not so sure i like it. i miss more school. my mom's boyfriend lives here. we have a big couch and big tv. we have like every television channel on the planet. ashlyn goes to after school care. my hair is red, and black underneath. i eat less. i get full faster. i'm tired all of the time. i'm not as happy as i could be. i don't know what i want. i do, i don't.

constantreplay @ 2007-02-11T19:14:00

2007-02-12T00:14:29Z

life is changing, slowly, for the better. i never thought this day would come.

constantreplay @ 2007-01-26T14:21:00

2007-01-26T19:21:59Z

i'm mad this feeling won't going away. i'm sick of thinking about every time we had. i'm tired of it! someone get me a brain doctor to take it all away!

constantreplay @ 2007-01-21T19:41:00

2007-01-22T00:42:36Z

i love you, i love you, i love you.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

i'm done.

Some will seek forgiveness.

2007-01-18T02:00:14Z

i've never cried so soundly.

i think that in life, people get what they deserve. and, i deserve this. so bring on the hurt, it could never be enough to make up for what i've done.

midnight took over a 4 hour nap with me today, and i think she loves me.

i try and i try, and i get no where, and it's not fair that love in this world is so fake, but mine isn't.

The day I left you was the worst mistake I ever made.

2007-01-11T19:44:15Z

i don't know who i am anymore, well i do. i'm there it's just i've sunk so deep into nothing. i have no motivation. i look at people who just pass by, i thought were friends. i call and hear noises in the background and my heart dies, because it's all so familiar. it's also all my fault.

i thought love just wasn't enough. my hair combed, nice shoes tied tight, was ready to conquer life. help unwanted, i can do this on my own...

and then i found myself wounded, tripping over myself, falling, scraping my knee...
sadness fills, for i know i've failed. why did i leave scared to go back? hoping you'll take me in with open arms, but also know that the hurt i've caused...the breeze of angel's wings, standing there in a midst of flowers of every being. tears grow and an orchestra begins to play. what a beautiful day, why are you alone? run child, it's time for you to go home...wounded spirit face in the dirt. i cry out for you to take me in

your heart holds me close, and i look up to face this world which so scares me.

never forgot the time you made me feel alive,when death was on my mind,or when you held onto me. when the world let me fallbehind, you were love to me rather than just a word.

i've realized i've become a person i never wanted to be.

Make this moment last like the deepest sleep you never wanted to leave.

2007-01-08T03:43:44Z

God take me because i hate me.